please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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