So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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