I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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