I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
