i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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