i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
