you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
