Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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