is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
