Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
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