I accidentally burped into my bong.
home. puking in laundry basket.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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