In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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