Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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