Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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