We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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