seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
