i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
