When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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