At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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