Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
