its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
