I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
