So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
