Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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