I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
