phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
