she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
