no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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