i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
