Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize