i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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