youre lurking in front of me
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
