I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
