It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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