Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Randomize
