Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
