if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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