chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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