when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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