I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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