First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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