I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm just crazy horny about you
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
