i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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