I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
