I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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