Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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