Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
