If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
