Ambien. No doubt about it.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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