Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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