I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
