I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
