Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
