I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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