Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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