it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
