I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
