If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
