Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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